Jokes
I found out recently by doing some research on this page that more people get here by searching " Midwife Jokes " then any other key terms. We are glad to bring some humor into peoples lives because we all need to lighten up and laughter is good for the soul.

Back in 1996 Marilyn’s Midwifery Page was one of the first web sites dedicated to issues of home birth and midwifery. My dear husband who at that time had been my wonderful supporter wrote it in HTML and at that time had experienced the sometimes crazy life of a midwife’s husband for 10 years. It has now been 31 years of mostly marital bliss but some things never change and these “ Midwife Jokes “ that he made up and published at that time are still very relevant today. I am offering them up again so that all the new midwives and birthing families can enjoy them.  I did a lot of traveling back then and was involved in what I call midwife politics and where ever I went around the country midwives would say after hearing my name “ Are you Marilyn from Marilyn’s Midwifery Page ? “ When I answered yes the next statement was usually “ I LOVE the jokes “. One even told me that they were taped up in the bath room at the ACNM. headquarters. I never verified this but I wouldn’t be surprised if they were. 
 ENJOY>

If you've ever crocheted with an amni hook.......you might be a midwife

If you carry more tanks in you car than a Jacque Cousteau documentary.......you might be a midwife

If you hear "doppler" radar on the Weather Channel and your ears perk up.......you might be a midwife

If you've recommended Castor Oil more times that the local Quick Lube.......you might be a midwife

If your idea of "seeing the head coming" doesn't refer to your beer.......you might be a midwife

If it takes a hour to get dressed to go out yet 45 seconds to get dressed in the middle of the night.......you might be a midwife

If you talk about seeing the "crown" and you weren't at Buckingham Palace.......you might be a midwife

If you've had your picture taken so many times with babies you should be running for office.......you might be a midwife

If there are more ways to reach you than the local fire department.......you might be a midwife

If you can actually name more than three African drum bands.......you might be a midwife

If you know that "post partum" doesn't mean your fence is coming apart.......you might be a midwife

If you've ever been called by a neighbor with a farm animal in labor.......you might be a midwife

If the color of you car is unrecognizable because of all the bumperstickers.......you might be a midwife

If you refuse to sell you junky run down car because you'll lose your bumperstickers.......you might be a midwife

If you think c-section should only be the cheap seats at a 
ballgame.......you might be a midwife

If you know that a fetoscope does not measure shoe size.......you might be a midwife

If the 36,000 mile/3 year warranty on your brand new car actually means less than one year.......you might be a midwife

If your tires are going bald faster than your husband.......you might be a midwife

If you think the only use for forceps is as salad tongs.......you might be a midwife

If you've made more great catches than Chipper Jones.......you might be a midwife

If you know that a lie is not where your golf ball lands.......you might be a midwife

If you think that a "tail back" is a new kind of birthing position.......you might be a midwife

If you know a cesarean is not a salad.......you might be a midwife

If your idea of a vacation is taking a car ride outside your beeper range........you might be a midwife

If you know that a pinard horn is not a musical instrument.......you might be a midwife

If you think the only way to measure centimeters is by spreading your fingers.......you might be a midwife

If you get more calls from ladies with broken water than the local plumber.......you might be a midwife

If you've ever ran out of gas and used a breast pump and catheter as a siphon.......you might be a midwife

If you've ever used cord clamps as hair curlers........you might be a midwife

If you've ever used a speculum to put on a tight pair of shoes.......you might be a midwife

If you can eat cherry jello while watching a birth film........you might be a 
midwife

If you talk about yeast infections like they're dairy products........you might be a midwife

If you've ever put on a latex glove to remove the stuffing from a turkey.......you might be a midwife

If you have more hemostats in you glove box than a Grateful Dead fan.......you might be a midwife

If you think Deliverance is a childbirth movie........you might be a midwife

If you refer to your beeper as "my home phone".........you might be a midwife

If you discuss adhesions with your family at the dinner table........you might be a midwife

If you know that perineal support is not a kind of stocking.......you might be a midwife

If you consider a pair of black Birkenstocks "formal wear".......you might be a midwife

If your realize that "breeches" are not a southern man's trousers........you might be a midwife

If you know that ultrasound is not a fancy stereo........you might be a midwife

If you've ever stopped on your way to a birth and someone has looked in your car and asked "Are you Moving?"........you might be a midwife

If you've ever gotten out of a speeding ticket by actually showing the state trooper a placenta........you might be a midwife

If you thought the movie "Catch-22" was a story about a month in a very busy midwife's life........you might be a midwife

If your idea of a color coordinated birthing outfit is matching the blood stains on your sweat shirt with the blood stains on your sweat pants........

You might be a midwife